Goodbye, my friend

Hugybear's Tintoretto "Baci" (06/15/97-08/21/08) Godspeed, my heart dog!

It's been almost a year and a half since I have written in here and a month since I lost my best friend - my "heart dog", Baci. For those of you who don't know what a heart dog it, it is that once-in-a-lifetime dog, the dog you have connected with since the day you met.

This was so true with my Newfoundland, Baci. Even at 5 weeks of age, it was obvious that he would be my buddy. He came to me at 8 weeks with his littermate, Dulse. I was taking care of both of them for a couple of months for the breeder, and it was agreed that they would be xrayed for hip problems at age 4 months and at that time, I would relinquish Dulse to the breeder to go to another loving home.

I worked at a vet school at the time, and I remember my colleagues saying that I would keep both of them, just watch. Well, guess what? Dulse had his own charms - he was obedient, he was handsome, he was quiet and intense, and in the household, he firmly set his role as guardian of the house. In truth, he was the antithesis of Baci.

Baci was my clown. There was not a day I lived with him that he did not make me laugh. He was naughty and a counter surfer, but he was so sneaky in his food stealing that I had to laugh. I mean, before I learned to put all consumables on top of the refrigerator,there were times when I swore I was only out of the room for a minute and when I came back the food would be gone and he would on the other side of the room, sleeping. Unfortunately, visitors who did not live with him were also affected by this behavior. Some laughed, like the time we saw him trotting off with a baguette from my friend's bag, and it was not later until we realized that he had already consumed the wheel of Brie that was on the bottom of her bag! Others were not so kind about this bad habit and would sulk for hours. All I can say is that I warned everyone about Baci's food obsession, and if they couldn't remember, well.....

Baci's breeder and I used to joke that Baci suffered from Canine ADD. He was easily distracted and interested in everything. He lived his entire life to the fullest, and looking back, although I know I gave him a good life, with the best of care, I know I could have done more to foster his intelligence and happiness.

On June 10, 2008, 5 days before his 11th birthday, he was diagnosed with osteosarcoma (bone cancer) in his front shoulder. He had only been limping for one day before I took him in to the vet. This disease is particularly insidious and the vet gave him one month to live. I was stunned at first before I was forced to face reality by a vet at work and look at options for treatment. The treatment of choice is amputation, but at the time, I thought that amputating an 11-year old Newfoundland's front leg, even though he was in good health otherwise, would be cruel. He had hip dysplasia that was being treated, he had had a knee replacement when he was younger, and he was at the top end of a Newf's lifespan.

The only other options were for controlling the pain, which some say is horrible, like the bone is exploding from the inside. He was put on pain meds, but I wanted to do something more. I contacted the vet school I used to work for and asked about a treatment called "palliative radiation," which is supposed to slow down the progress of the tumor, and thus cut down the pain so that the dog has a better quality of life for a few months longer. This consists of three radiation treatments in a span of a month. It is supposed to work on 75-80% of dogs. This meant that I had to travel four hours to Minnesota for initial oncologist consultation and for the treatments. I loved this dog so much and did not want to see him in pain and I thought that the odds were pretty good, so I did it.

It was so difficult to go through those weeks with him. I read books, I joined a web group that consisted of owners of dogs with bone cancer (invaluable for support, information, and tips to deal with this hideous disease), I arranged to get him a drug that would decrease the likelihood that his bone would fracture because of the weakness of the cancerous bone.

I constantly worried that I would not know when the time would be to let him go. He could swim, he seemed happy, but he really never stopped limping even though he was on all the pain meds I could give him. I made quality of life charts, I bugged the vets at work for advice on determining when he was in too much pain, I asked a friend to come up to help me decide, but ultimately, I used a combination of gut instinct and the advice from two friends who worked with animals and who have been through this disease with them. One said to pick three of his favorite things to do. When he could not do,or was having trouble doing two of them, it was time to let go. He loved to eat, he loved to swim, and he loved to be wherever I was, with a paw touching me.

Another friend said not to wait until he was unable to function; that I should be able to remember him still walking, still bright, still reasonable happy.

By the end of July, he could not get down to the beach anymore to swim.

He was still able to get onto the couch to lie next to me.

One day he refused a treat. The next day he would not eat. I knew it was time.

I took him into the vet, still walking, on August 21. He lifted his leg on 3 bushes there. He was still alert, but I could tell he was in pain and looking at me to do something about it. At 10 a.m. I whispered "I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you" into his ear as the vet administered the euthanasia solution. Part of my heart flew away that day.

This is an appropriate to put the piece about the Rainbow Bridge, but it makes me cry, even when I am not grieving for a recently-lost pet, so I won't.

I am sad, still. It takes a while to go through the grief. I have another dog to take care of - Dulse is still with me and still healthy, even at 11. I thought he would mourn more because his littermate is gone. Honestly, I think part of him enjoys having "only dog" status, and, of course, he is still guardian of the house.

Hugybear's Titian "Dulse"